Dear Frank the Tank,
I know how excited you were to ride cyclocross on Sunday. I was, too. No, really, I was. Ok, I’ll admit it, I was equal parts intimidated and excited, but my eagerness far outweighed my fear. That’s why I pumped up your tires the night before and filled up a pair of water bottles.
You can hardly blame me for the fact that your back tire was flat AGAIN the next morning. What were you doing that night anyway? It is completely my fault that I didn’t have any spare tubes. I looked on the cycling shelf AND in the cycling drawer. Only tubes for The Rocket. An egregious error on my part. That’s why I called Sir Steve, Bike Mechanic Extraordinaire at an ungodly hour the morning of the race and asked him to send a spare tube with his wife, Amy. C’mon, Frank, you’ve met Sir Steve many, many times. He would never do you wrong. No, I don’t think Sir Steve loves you more than I do. Now you’re just being hurtful, Frank.
Once Amy arrived with the tube, I was excited to load you onto the car and get your tire changed at the track. Yes, I know the drive was foggy and it was only thirty degrees out. I should have covered your seat. Again, another unforgivable error on my part. No, I do not know what it’s like to have ice crystals freeze on my seat, thank you very much.
At the cyclocross track, you may remember that I lovingly took you off the roof rack and brushed the ice off of your handlebars, gears, and seat. You might have noticed that Amy and I got straight to work changing your tire, a task both of us prefer to leave to Sir Steve. Sadly, he was eating hot oatmeal far, far away at home with the kids. Amy and I did our best. In fact, Frank, you may recall us squealing with glee when we’d changed your tube and had you all put together again. There may have even been a high five in there somewhere. That’s how glad we were to have changed your tire all by ourselves.
Frank, I understand that you were bitter with cold, but your response was totally uncalled for. As we grinned from ear to ear because of our triumphant tire change, you really didn’t have to hiss at us. In fact, I’m not even sure it was a hiss. You let out an exasperated “PSSSSSHHHHHH!” and your back tire began to shrivel. What was that all about? Seriously, we could have done without your attitude as we helplessly watched your back tire deflate itself.
So, I am very sorry that you had to watch from the roof rack as the other bikes zipped around the track without you. Maybe next time you will hold your tongue and even a little air. That is why I sent you on a short vacation to Sir Steve’s bike hospital. He’s going to figure out what’s wrong and make you all better.
Christmas is almost here, Frank, and I know it’s your wish to get your wheels dirty at cyclocross. I, too, hope that you’ll be up and running for the race later this month. Maybe if you behave yourself Santa will even exchange your usual lump of coal for some shiny new tubes in your saddle pack. Merry Christmas, Frank!